Finding a Kinky Partner - Part IV
by Tamar Kay
Copyright © Tamar Kay.
This is the fourth article in
my series on finding a kinky partner. In this one I'll talk about
four important aspects of finding and developing a relationship:
patience, persistence, seduction, and compromise.
You can't rush good wine, chocolate
chip cookies, or great relationships. And even when you've got
someone in your sights, respect and trust--essential components
of any relationship, especially relationships based on power
exchange--have to be allowed to develop over time.
If you're sure you've found the
partner of your dreams, yet find they're sometimes hesitant or
ambivalent, don't panic. It takes time to relax into each other.
Getting to know someone is a lot like learning a language --
you have to practice and have time to absorb the subtleties.
Hang out. Talk a lot. Play.
Sceneing is a lot like high-risk
sports. Do you ski? Skydive? Race cars? It may be that if you
invite your new interest to go white water rafting, they'll be
strapping on a life jacket before you finished talking. But then
again, maybe not. SM and d/s can be extreme forms of human interaction
and not everyone is equally ready to jump in and start the ride.
Sometimes patience is the answer.
Even if your object of affection
is enthusiastic, there may be moments that make one or both of
you hesitate. Be patient with your partner and yourself. There
will always be time later, after you've learned each other better.
In the beginning, take as much time as you need. A strong, lasting
relationship is built gradually on solid foundations.
If you've found someone, then
you know that persistence pays off. If you haven't, you may instead
feel discouraged. Looking for someone can be frustrating, especially
if your erotic desires limit the playing field, as they do for
many of us. (Remember Article One and categories of interest
While many people report that
they find partners when they least expect them, that doesn't
mean they weren't looking when they hit pay dirt. Keep your eyes
open. Search in whatever way suits you best (some I discussed
in Article Three), but most important, keep that window of opportunity
open as long as possible -- the ideal partner may be out there
looking for you, but if you stop looking, they may miss you.
If you need to take a break,
then do. My articles tend to focus on a scene-oriented view of
issues, but there are other things in life besides SM and d/s.
If you get tired of the search, it may be time to focus on other
things that matter to you. And who knows what you'll find? Remember
that kinky people are everywhere. Be open to opportunity, wherever
it may arise.
Once you've found someone, persistence
is still important. Some relationships take a lot of work, some
take much less. Determine what level of attention your relationship
needs, and then figure out how to provide it. Like plants, relationships
need different amounts and types of nourishment.
Seduction takes many forms. Everyone
has a different approach. There are, however, a few basic principles.
Look good. It can be discouraging
to search and search and still not find. Ironically, the more
desperate and hungry you act, the less likely someone is to be
attracted to you. The best way to seduce someone is to start
by being seductive to yourself.
The key to looking good to others
is to look good to yourself. Look in the mirror. Talk to yourself
about what you see. Get comfortable with how you look and move
and sound. Do what you can to become happier with yourself.
There are no objective measures
here--however you look, move, or act, when you are comfortable
with yourself, you'll be at your most attractive to others.
Listen well. When someone cares
about what you say, you notice them. Why? Because people want
to be cared about and want to be heard. Listen well to someone
and you can make them feel, if only for a moment, that they're
the most important person in the world. There is little as compelling
The most important thing to be
able to hear is "no." People may use other words, but
you have to listen for the real meaning. If you're uncertain,
err on the side of caution. You might be reluctant to hear "no",
but that very reluctance can work against you--how you react
to such communications is vital. If you treat someone's "no"
with respect and understanding, you might find the "no"
changing--but don't count on it. Do listen.
Give the best gift. The most
unique gift you can give someone is yourself, your respect, your
time. Learn to be as present as you can for each moment you are
with someone you care about. Give of yourself, with integrity,
as completely as you can.
In any relationship, whether
one is the top or bottom, there has to be give and take to make
the partners fit. When the first snag comes along--and it will--remember
that even in ideal relationships people have to change to meet
The food of a relationship is
the fun stuff, the stuff that makes you want to be close. Ideally,
you'll both be so well fed on each other that when you have to
work hard, the relationship will easily seem worth the effort.
Feed your relationship the best food--the fun stuff--as much
as you can.
In SM- and d/s- based relationships,
we often use the word "negotiation" instead of "compromise."
You may have already negotiated the basics of your relationship,
but if the relationship has changed, those negotiations may be
out of date. There's nothing wrong with reevaluation. Talk about
what works as well as what doesn't. If you're the dominant, you
can make it easier for your submissive to bring up problems by
encouraging communication. Patience, persistence, seduction,
and compromise. And fun.
Next month: When things aren't
Copyright © Tamar Kay.
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