Finding a Kinky Partner - Part III
by Tamar Kay
Copyright © Tamar Kay.
This is the third in my series
of articles on finding a kinky partner. In this one I'll talk
about where to look for a partner, and how. As always, please
bear in mind that this article is the result of my own experience
and might not be applicable to you. Please read all information
about relationships with a critical eye. Only you can decide
what works for you.
Last month I asked you to think
in depth about the person you're looking for to get a better
idea of what that person might be like and what you might offer
them. This time I'll explore ways to meet that potential partner.
When you're searching for something,
you should try to increase the odds of finding it. Sounds pretty
simple, eh? So, when you're searching for a partner, seek ways
to contact the broadest possible spectrum of compatible people.
In short, you should look everywhere.
Being physically present at an
event increases the odds of coming across a potential partner.
Meeting someone in the flesh is always the best way to screen
potential partners because you get more information from them
than you would, say, over the phone.
If you decide to use this avenue,
try to attend as many events as you can. RCDC and other groups
put on regular events. Ask around. You may also want to join
the NLA -- the National Leather Association, which now has local
events and yearly conventions.
Placing and answering ads may
also be a way of hooking up with like-minded individuals. Remember
that not everyone who might be compatible with you is involved
in the organized scene. Some people don't like crowds. If you're
one of them, you may find this a better avenue than attending
Local ads make it easier to meet
potential matches, whereas national ads let you search among
a greater range of people. Much depends on the publication in
which you place your ad. If you have access to the Internet,
you can place an ad for free on alt.bondage.personals. Since
access is both free and world-wide, not everyone posting there
is serious, but many are.
Personals ads are effective for
some people, less so for others. Keep in mind that while the
odds may favor women looking for men, anyone can stand out with
a good ad.
Should you lie, or maybe fudge
the truth a little? Someone once told me, "everyone lies
in personals ads." But I assure you that this isn't true.
If you want an honest partner, you have to offer the same. It's
a bad idea to misrepresent yourself in a community whose watch
phrase is "safe, sane, and consensual."
Honesty builds trust.
Ask Your Friends
You can ask the people you know
in the community for help in your search. Most people in the
community are pleased to help. Some are closet matchmakers who
would be only too happy to have an invitation to be involved
with your search. And if someone in the community recommends
a potential partner to you, that personal reference is an added
But never take anyone else's
word on the safety of an unknown partner. You have to judge for
yourself, which brings us to...
I recommend reading the chapter,
"Finding Partners," in Jay Wiseman's SM101. He covers
a good number of safety tips. If you are a woman, be especially
careful: don't give out your home phone or address to an unknown
contact and don't meet in private unless a trusted friend knows
where you are and will check on you.
Safety first! People do get hurt,
and you don't want to be one of them. I can't begin to cover
good safety practice here, so I again recommend picking up a
good reference. Ask around. (SM101 is available at Spartacus
or by mail through JT Toys, 800-755-8697.) Don't compromise on
your safety. Safety is no joke when you're letting someone you
don't know tie you up. Be safe starting with the first time.
You may not get a second chance.
Getting The Word Out
Try writing a personals ad for
yourself. Start out writing whatever comes to you, and edit later.
You may want to scale it down for a newspaper. Ask friends to
review it for you. There's nothing wrong with a second set of
eyes, no matter how practiced you are. (I have my articles reviewed
before I send them to RCDC -- Thanks, Simon!)
Approaching Someone in Person
People in the scene are rarely
offended when approached directly, provided you are direct, don't
apply pressure, and gracefully take "no" for an answer.
If there's someone you're interested in, then consider approaching
them directly. It's not that different from other social situations
-- simply walk up and politely start up a conversation.
Some Do's and Don'ts
Do be friendly and try to show
your best qualities (with your clothes on, please, unless it's
that kind of party.) Do treat everyone with respect and courtesy.
Do be honest about what you want and know.
Don't throw yourself at someone's
feet, or start ordering them around. Such activities must be
negotiated ahead of time. Behavior like that is considered rude
Do get out there and start looking.
Nervous? You're in good company.
But the best thing you can do is start practicing. Introduce
yourself to someone you're interested in, or answer a voice mail
ad. Give it a try.
Next month: Patience, Persistence,
Seduction, and Compromise.
Copyright © Tamar Kay.
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