Finding a Kinky Partner - Part II
by Tamar Kay
Copyright © Tamar Kay.
This is the second article in
my series on finding a kinky partner. In my last article we focused
on who you are. Next I'll talk about the person you might be
looking for and how to interest them. The best way to make yourself
interesting to others is to be interested in them.
Again, please keep in mind that
this article is a reflection of my experience and may or may
not be useful to you. I encourage you to take in any information
about relationships with a critical eye. Only you can decide
what works for you.
Last time I examined some ways
to describe your own kinky interests, which can be useful when
you're trying to find someone to match you. But who are you looking
Perhaps you've given it a lot
of thought (after having read last month's article and, of course,
SM101 cover-to-cover.) Now you have a pretty clear idea of what
you're looking for. That's a fine start, but now try thinking
more about that other person--not what you want from them, but
what they might want from you. The sort of person you're looking
for--what would they be looking for? What would that someone
get from being with you?
Relationships work best when
all parties get more out of being together than being apart,
when they get their wants and needs met most of the time. In
short, when the benefits outweigh the costs. The better you understand
a potential partner's wants and needs, the better you'll be able
to negotiate about and meet those needs. By putting yourself
in that person's place, you may start to understand what they
might want. Think about the issues from the other side. Ask yourself
what a potential partner might be most concerned with.
For example, a successful business
person might be concerned with discretion--will you be able to
go out on dates and "pass" as vanilla in vanilla circles?
A very attractive partner might be concerned with anything but
physical appearance--they might need to feel wanted for who they
are inside more than for their looks. And many women are concerned
with the safety of a new partner. Can you address those issues?
Everyone wants something. See
if you can figure out what it is. Those will be the keys to engaging
in a successful relationship.
If you're a heterosexual man,
you may be thinking that it's harder to find women, and that
you're at a disadvantage. There's some truth to that, since there
usually appear to be more men in the scene than women. But remember
that you aren't competing with all other men, just the ones who
are looking for the same things you are, which (remember last
month's column?) might be very specific. And be careful about
getting caught in the "I can't find a partner because there
aren't enough of ." That may be a convenient way to make
yourself feel better about not finding what you want, but it
is also a way of making the challenges someone else's problem.
If you want a partner, these are your challenges, and you don't
get any closer to meeting them by giving them away.
The more you know about your
target group, the more likely you are to find someone in that
group with whom to share a mutual attraction. Think about the
needs and wants of your target group. What makes you special?
What can you offer someone? What's unusual about you? Be as specific
as you can. Make a list. Take some guesses. If you're really
stuck, ask someone to help you. Once you have a list, try to
look at it from the point of view of a potential partner. Imagine
that you're your desired partner. How does the list look? What
are you pleased to find there? What's missing?
Be careful on that last one;
we are usually our own harshest judges.
My goal here isn't to encourage
you to list all your shortcomings (though you're free to do so)
but to encourage you to try to see out of the eyes of an imaginary
partner. Understanding someone else's needs goes a long way toward
building a successful match.
After you've made your list and
given it some thought, you might want to try looking around to
see if anyone you already know looks different in light of your
reflections. You never know.
Next month: where should you
look and how?
Copyright © Tamar Kay.
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