All You Need to Know

by Tamar Kay
Copyright © Tamar Kay.

You walk into the monthly meeting or party. Someone gives you a look, then whispers to a person nearby. You tense, then relax as you overhear them say something like: "What I wouldn't give to play with her. She's supposed to be incredible."

You may have to watch your ego, but those are problems you want to have. If you're serious about being a good player, whether top, bottom or switch, you want to be wanted. You'll need experience, of course, but how else do you, as a relative newcomer, get from where you are to being the sort of partner that people (or the right person) will seek out (and whisper nice things about?)

All you need to know is -- well, everything.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what I think you should know in a few hundred words a month in this monthly newsletter. Even if I had thousands of words a day, and could offer private lessons too, it would be only this woman's opinion. What you need to do is to learn from many sources, and think about and practice what you learn.

I'm going to suggest some written resources here that I find valuable or that others have recommended to me. I'll tell you where I think you can get them (although there are no doubt other places, too. It's not a sacred list, it's just my list.

So check 'em out. Study. Get good at your craft, be honest and considerate, and you'll get those looks and whispers.

SM101, by Jay Wiseman. this book is considered by many to be the best single reference around. It goes over all the basics, yet is worth reading no matter what your level of experience. (Available at Spartacus and through JT Toys catalog.) The second edition, available from Greenery Press for cost + $3 for shipping & handling.

DIFFERENT LOVING, by Gloria and William Brame. This is a survey of different aspects of d/s, with a gentle approach and personal essays in each section. If you're not sure of where your interests lie, this book can be a great help. (Available at the Crimson Phoenix.)

THE SEXUALLY DOMINANT WOMAN: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners, by Lady Green. A reference for woman who are just starting as tops. (JT Toys catalog.)

THE LEATHERMAN'S HANDBOOK II, by Larry Townsend. This cultural and technical exploration of the gay men's leather scene discusses issues relevant to serious players of all orientations, and describes some of the more formal traditions. (Spartacus and JT Toys.)

TIES THAT BIND, by Guy Baldwin. A series of essays dealing with a wide range of issues, relationship structures, emotional landmines, and personal responsibility. An excellent exploration for those who are serious not only about the leather lifestyle but about becoming more self-aware.

THE HISTORY OF THE ROD, by (the Reverend) William M. Cooper. The author of this turn-of-the-century history wants it known that this is "neither for the prurient nor the prudish." If you think that BDSM is a recent development, think again. This history travels from convent to bedroom and includes drawings. (The book is out of print. If you find extra copies, please contact me, as I would like to purchase them.) ISBN 1-85326-918-2.

(To get a JT Toys catalog, phone 1-800-755-8697. They are kink-friendly and helpful.)

Copyright © Tamar Kay.

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